O God, who by the leading of a star manifested your only Son to the Peoples of the earth: Lead us, who know you now by faith, to your presence, where we may see your glory face to face; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.
I know: Epiphany was on Monday the 6th. And I had had the best of intentions to get something posted on that day, but I just couldn't muster up the power to write anything. I couldn't understand why that was: what was bugging me, and getting in my way?
Then I remembered: this was an anniversary. A 30th anniversary at that. It was January 6, 1984, that I almost walked out the door of my Religion E class at Governor Dummer Academy to release myself into the bleakest recesses of my mind to take my own life. I did not walk out the door. I could not walk out the door. Because in that darkest moment, my body's inability to move, almost an enforced paralysis, was the thing that saved me. That, and the divine intervention in the form of my teacher and advisor, the school chaplain. She had made me promise that if I ever thought I was going to commit suicide, I needed to talk to her first. And I did. And I am here, thirty years later, to say, "Thanks be to God."
As I reflected on this moment from past, I realized that there is something appropriate and real that my darkest hour was met with just enough light to see me through. That light guided me out from a place of death, self-destruction, and succumbing to every negative thing that was in my head and brought me to a place where I could accept help, and heal, and eventually come into a right relationship with myself and with God. Mind you, this wasn't some miraculous cure that happened in a day or even a month. That moment was the start of a long journey of recovery of who I am with the Great I Am. My dad's death in October, 2007, was another unveiling and revelation of God and God's presence and desire for me to live. It's almost as if at times of darkness and despair, this is when God provides the rising star to reveal the Christ to us. And each time it happens, the knowing of this Christ, this light, goes a little deeper into our hearts to power up the light that is within ourselves. The more we absorb that light and let it join with our own, the brighter we can become for others who are in their own darkness and Hell.
I offer this reflection to anyone out there who is a victim of bullying from others or under mental assault from believing the voices in our heads that deny the essence of our goodness. I have been in that dark place. But somehow I kept my eyes open to perceive the light that was coming to guide me out. Keep looking for that light, and trust in it when it comes. The road out of those places will be rough, but the star will lead you if you'll follow.