I Did It!!!

OK... so you remember at the end of July when I wrote about my experiences at Sewanee Theological Seminary (aka "The Nightmare on EfM Street")? Well, tonight was my opportunity to finally exorcise the demons of doubt in my brain.

You must have those. Y'know, the nagging little voice that won't shut up about how "the last time you did this, it didn't work"? Since Labor Day, I've been trying to psyche myself up for the experience of leading my group through a theological reflection, and at the same time, quell the nagging little voice that wanted to remind me of the feelings of being lost and floundering as my inaugural attempt at this exercise this summer in Tennessee fell apart all around me. Seriously, I haven't felt so stupid in front of a room full of people since my sophomore Economics 51 class at Missouri, when I choked back tears as I admitted in front of everyone that I didn't know which end was up with the formula that was on the chalk board. The students all laughed at me, but none of them knew the answer either. The grace from that moment was that my TA, a Muslim from Sudan, praised this average American student for being honest enough to admit not knowing the answer. He became an advocate for me as I struggled through that class, and he tried as best as he could to help me overcome my mental blocks about anything dealing with math. In turn, I tried as best as I could to give him hope that not every American college student was ignorant of the world, spending their waking hours drinking beer and scratching their bellies. We got along, and I remain grateful for his guidance through a difficult course during a difficult semester plagued by a nagging sinus infection that left me sick for 10 of the sixteen weeks.

Back to tonight: I spent so much time reviewing, and re-reading, and studying the Microscope Method for Theological Reflection that I barely could remember what I'd read for the rest of the class. I was afraid to have the wheels come flying off the wagon again, and I was having serious doubts about my ability to guide anything at all.
The Microscope Method calls for a person to share a story that is basically just a "slice of life". In this case, my co-mentor shared a short story out of her life. As she talked, the group was listening and noting the action in the story and where they heard her getting most involved in the action. The group identified thoughts and feelings from the story, checked in with her about all of that, and then everyone got a chance to share (if they wanted) a moment that may have felt the same way for them.

From these common experiences, an image or metaphor emerges... and we were off to the races with examining the world of that metaphor and seeing how that image arises in stories in Scripture or hymns. How did the metaphor relate to culture... and then how does what happens in tradition and culture interplay with each other? Does that interplay lead a person to take a position on the topic? Finally, where do we take this discussion and applying it to our lives today? Where is God in all of that? To wrap it up, we wrote a collect at the end of our discussion.

For me, the best part was that it all worked!!! Some of our newer members really got into the concept of metaphor, and were able to get us into that world quickly and smoothly and effortlessly. And the collect seemed to really pull everyone together at the end. Unlike at Sewanee, my sigh of relief at the break was from the genuine release of a burden lifted as opposed to that sensation of kicking myself over and over for all that had gone wrong.

There were still some areas of the TR that felt a little tough for me in terms of knowing how to really guide people. What seemed a little too strained I stayed away from, and went where I thought our conversation was going.

Who was there for me in this? Well, obviously my fellow group members. But during our opening worship, I tapped into the place in me where I've been going lately to ask God to be present with me. I demanded no outcome. I just asked for God's presence and love as I ventured into a place of uncertainty and fear. I don't think, and in fact I know far too well, that I couldn't have made it through tonight without God's presence. And again I can say, "Thanks be to God!"