Congratulations to those people who have remained with the Episcopal Church in the Diocese of San Joaquin. This weekend, they gained a provisional bishop. Read about it here.
I am particulary encouraged by Rt. Rev. Jerry Lamb's statements that he wants to see full inclusion of the LGBT members of the church. May he be one in a growing number in the Episcopal community with that desire!
Peace!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Dialogue about Disagreement
“The only unforgivable act, if there is such a thing, is refusing to be forgiven or to forgive—which is not so much a sin as it’s a failure of faith.”—Robert F. Capon, “The Mystery of Christ…and why we don’t get it”
There is hope for this world when a straight Catholic and a lesbian Episcopalian can dialogue on the emotional powder-keg of whether marriage should be allowed for the LGBT community and remain in a free-flowing conversation and not come to fisticuffs.
Such was the case this past week when I and a fellow Faust member were the guest “queer” speakers at a College of Social Work class at Florida State. These undergraduates were unaware that they were going to see real live gay people right before their very eyes. I’m being only mildly-sarcastic about this. Really, the students’ faces registered shock and awe when Jimmers identified himself as a gay man. I thought, “Whoo-boy! This is gonna be interesting!”
And it was. The students insisted their college was an open-minded, liberal segment of the campus community. And yet, some of their questions indicated a large chasm of knowledge about “my people”. Did I always dress the way I was dressed (namely shirt, pants, sneakers…or maybe was it the black leather jacket?) Or, “I have a cousin who is a lesbian, and she plays the man role. Is that common?” If this is the “open-minded” and “liberal” college on FSU’s campus I’d hate to hear from the moderates or the conservatives!
We put the marriage issue in front of them to consider. Unfortunately, the time ran out on the girl who wanted to clarify for us why some people had a problem with gay marriage and it was based on their “religion”. Class ended, but this young woman approached me to keep the discussion alive. Perhaps she came to me because our eyes were on each other as she started this line of thinking, or it could have been that she just identified me as someone “safe” to talk to about this. Whatever, my Faust buddy was engaging others outside the class as I stood in the room with this girl and her defense of her “religion”. This is the best I can do at recalling our discussion:
“Do you understand what I’m saying? Because for me, my religion says that marriage is a certain way. And there are traditions…”
“OK. Wait. Let’s back up a few steps. What is your religion?”
“I’m Catholic.”
“OK, so my question for you is this: do you think that God cares about the gender of the people at the altar?”
“Yes. Because it’s the tradition. And marriage is supposed to be for a man and a woman and they fit together, y’know, they fit. Because it’s supposed to be for pro-creation. (She repeated the tradition talk quite a bit) And Paul even said that marriage is sacred, and it’s in First Corinthians…and…am I wrong here? I’m worried that I’m offending you.”
“Oh, you’re not offending me! Don’t worry about that. But let’s look at this a little bit. First Corinthians…I imagine you know 1 Corinthians 6 verses 9-10 about who inherits the kingdom of God…”
“Yes, right…”
“Let me talk to you about Paul. He’s the quintessential human being (thanks, Mtr. Lee!). He will state one opinion such as ‘we must not focus on the flesh, but rather focus on the spirit’…and then a few pages later, he’s comparing the church to a body and saying things about how the eye can’t live without the hand or the head can’t live without the feet…etc. So if you’re going to do serious Bible study, be careful as you read Paul because he changes direction a lot. Now, if you’re Catholic, then I ask you, what was Jesus’message?”
“Love?”
“Love. Period. That’s all he had to say. When they asked him, “Rabbi, what is the greatest commandment, like a good Jew, he answered them, ‘Schema Yisrael’…Hear, O Israel, the Lord is God. The Lord is one. Love the Lord with all your heart, and all your mind and all your soul and all your strength.”
“And love your neighbor…”
“Yes, later in the Gospel of John, he tells his disciples he is giving them a new commandment to love one another…to love their neighbor as themselves. So I believe that wherever there is love, there is God. And the genders don’t matter.”
“But the tradition of the church is important. It’s important to have that.”
“OK, I understand that your tradition is important to you. And I will tell you that the vast majority of gay people who would get married don’t want to have a ceremony in a church…”
“Yeah, what he (Jimmers) was saying is that it’s about the benefits and it’s about the law…”
“Yes, and I can go to a courthouse and have a justice of the peace marry me. I don’t need to go to a church for that. And what we were saying to you today is that the amendment being proposed in November would not only ban marriage, it would ban civil unions, domestic partnerships, and several local ordinances that provide the legal rights that the gay community is looking for.”
“But marriage is more than that. And the church is clear that it’s about pro-creation and you should wait until marriage to have sex…”
“Well, let me ask you this: do you think that a straight couple who gets married and doesn’t have a child, for whatever reason, do you think those people are violating God’s will?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. And you know, the Catholic Church, it hasn’t always done things right, I know that. And there’s been bad stuff with the selling of indulgences and the priests (molesting boys), but there’s a lot about this church I’m going to that’s good. Like we respect life and that means not only at conception but like death row inmates because we’re against the death penalty…”
“You respect the dignity of every human being.”
“Right! And you know we respect gay people. And I don’t want you to think I don’t respect you…”
“I’m not worried about that. But what you have to weigh is what’s more important to you. Is the tradition what’s important? Or is it the teachings of Christ? That’s what you have to decide.”
My cohort re-entered the room and encouraged the young woman that she was doing the right thing by asking questions and that she should not be afraid to ask the questions she was. He didn’t bother to tell her his own background as a Catholic. We all shook hands and left on good terms.
This girl may never change her mind given how important “the tradition” is to her. But she has a choice now: either stick with the tradition and make it part of the Florida constitution as well as the Catholic catechism, or vote no on the proposed amendment. And her struggle is real as she kept searching for what is the "right thing" as a Catholic...and as a future social worker.
My faith lies in that no matter what any one of those students does from here on out with the information we presented, I forgive them their naivete, and pray that they will continue to struggle honestly with their opinions and previously strongly-held beliefs. I can only hope that their struggle will result in a better world for all of us.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Back to Baptism
As I have noted, I can’t seem to go through a day without some thought on God, or God’s will in the world. In fact, it’s so common place now that I’ve stopped worrying that it’s a sign of mental illness. It’s who I am.
So today’s musing is on baptism and especially the Baptismal Covenant.
I have always liked the services where we welcome babies, or other people, into the body of Christ because of the requirement that we renew our own baptismal vows. “Renew”, for those of us who were baptized when we were only making cute goo-goo noises, is an interesting choice of words. Many of us renewed, or more appropriately affirmed, those vows when we were teen-agers at confirmation. But, regardless, in the Episcopal Church, we start with reciting the words of the Apostles’ Creed in the Anglican-style of “call and response”, acknowledging the story of Christ’s birth, death and resurrection, and committing to a belief in one God, the Holy Spirit, the communion of saints, forgiveness of sins, the Holy Catholic (meaning “universal”) Church, resurrection and life everlasting.
All that is important. But it’s the second part of the covenant that is on my mind most this morning. In it, we are asked a series of questions about re-committing ourselves to a life of following the teachings of Christ as practiced by his apostles. Each answer comes with “I will, with God’s help”. We say these words not only as individuals, but as a collective. We are a room full of people committing out loud that we will resist evil, repent and come back to God, work for justice and peace, seek Christ in each other, and respect the dignity of every human being. Wow! With God’s help, we can make all that happen? Wow!
All this gets said after the candidates for baptism (or their parents and godparents) have made much the same commitment. And again, we (the congregation) are asked a question:
Q: “Will you who witness these vows do all in your power to support these persons in their life in Christ?”
A: “We will.”
No “with God’s help” in that commitment. We are pledging to do our best ourselves to support the newly-baptized members of the church.
And it occurs to me that we are not only giving that level of commitment to these children (and adults), but we should hear and heed that commitment to each other all the time. Yes, God’s help is necessary because it’s tough to go it alone in a world that thinks anyone who believes in God is a lunatic. But the whole point of being a member of the body of Christ is to always offer to take the hand of your brother or sister and stay with them on the path toward light. Political views, outward appearances and sexual orientation are not reasons to withdraw that commitment to one another.
The world can change. With God’s help and our will.
So today’s musing is on baptism and especially the Baptismal Covenant.
I have always liked the services where we welcome babies, or other people, into the body of Christ because of the requirement that we renew our own baptismal vows. “Renew”, for those of us who were baptized when we were only making cute goo-goo noises, is an interesting choice of words. Many of us renewed, or more appropriately affirmed, those vows when we were teen-agers at confirmation. But, regardless, in the Episcopal Church, we start with reciting the words of the Apostles’ Creed in the Anglican-style of “call and response”, acknowledging the story of Christ’s birth, death and resurrection, and committing to a belief in one God, the Holy Spirit, the communion of saints, forgiveness of sins, the Holy Catholic (meaning “universal”) Church, resurrection and life everlasting.
All that is important. But it’s the second part of the covenant that is on my mind most this morning. In it, we are asked a series of questions about re-committing ourselves to a life of following the teachings of Christ as practiced by his apostles. Each answer comes with “I will, with God’s help”. We say these words not only as individuals, but as a collective. We are a room full of people committing out loud that we will resist evil, repent and come back to God, work for justice and peace, seek Christ in each other, and respect the dignity of every human being. Wow! With God’s help, we can make all that happen? Wow!
All this gets said after the candidates for baptism (or their parents and godparents) have made much the same commitment. And again, we (the congregation) are asked a question:
Q: “Will you who witness these vows do all in your power to support these persons in their life in Christ?”
A: “We will.”
No “with God’s help” in that commitment. We are pledging to do our best ourselves to support the newly-baptized members of the church.
And it occurs to me that we are not only giving that level of commitment to these children (and adults), but we should hear and heed that commitment to each other all the time. Yes, God’s help is necessary because it’s tough to go it alone in a world that thinks anyone who believes in God is a lunatic. But the whole point of being a member of the body of Christ is to always offer to take the hand of your brother or sister and stay with them on the path toward light. Political views, outward appearances and sexual orientation are not reasons to withdraw that commitment to one another.
The world can change. With God’s help and our will.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The Red(herring), White (America), and Blue (staters)
I have one word for my former brethren of the fourth estate:
Enough.
I am referring to the seemingly-never-ending commentary on the 40-minute sermons of the Rev. Jeremiah Wright…aka “Obama’s pastor”. I think we have beaten this story into the ground. Now, can we please get back to reporting what the actual candidates on the ballot are saying?!
My own brief review:
This is a red herring. And we, the citizens of the United States and our noble media, love to follow the reddest of the herrings in the sea of information. I can only hope that, should I bump my head and decide to run for office, any priest I’ve ever been associated with restrains from speaking out in a way that might offend some because I would have to spend weeks trying to assert “This is theirs, and this is mine.”
Race is still a thorny issue for the media. That’s right. It’s a thorny issue for the media. Does racism still exist in America? Yes, and many other ism’s do, too. And the way we keep them alive is for the majority to refuse to acknowledge the wrong and ask forgiveness, and the minority to turn away and not want to pardon the sins of their transgressors. So why am I picking on the media and saying they have race “issues”? Because instead of a reasoned reflection on the topic, all they want to do is keep rehashing and repeating the same old sad tale instead of looking for those who can offer an evolution of thinking on this painful subject. Sadly, Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot to death almost 40 years ago. And my musical philosopher, Bob Marley, died in 1977.
Blue staters…aka Democrats…need to quit this level of bickering and keep focused on what I believe are the real issues in the country: our shaky economy, the lack of health care and an endless pointless war. As an independent, I am now bored with both Obama and Hillary. One of them, I suppose, will be the nominee. And then they will have to rekindle my interest….by talking about the real problems and not the red herrings.
Given the history of presidential politics, I won't hold my breath.
Enough.
I am referring to the seemingly-never-ending commentary on the 40-minute sermons of the Rev. Jeremiah Wright…aka “Obama’s pastor”. I think we have beaten this story into the ground. Now, can we please get back to reporting what the actual candidates on the ballot are saying?!
My own brief review:
This is a red herring. And we, the citizens of the United States and our noble media, love to follow the reddest of the herrings in the sea of information. I can only hope that, should I bump my head and decide to run for office, any priest I’ve ever been associated with restrains from speaking out in a way that might offend some because I would have to spend weeks trying to assert “This is theirs, and this is mine.”
Race is still a thorny issue for the media. That’s right. It’s a thorny issue for the media. Does racism still exist in America? Yes, and many other ism’s do, too. And the way we keep them alive is for the majority to refuse to acknowledge the wrong and ask forgiveness, and the minority to turn away and not want to pardon the sins of their transgressors. So why am I picking on the media and saying they have race “issues”? Because instead of a reasoned reflection on the topic, all they want to do is keep rehashing and repeating the same old sad tale instead of looking for those who can offer an evolution of thinking on this painful subject. Sadly, Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot to death almost 40 years ago. And my musical philosopher, Bob Marley, died in 1977.
Blue staters…aka Democrats…need to quit this level of bickering and keep focused on what I believe are the real issues in the country: our shaky economy, the lack of health care and an endless pointless war. As an independent, I am now bored with both Obama and Hillary. One of them, I suppose, will be the nominee. And then they will have to rekindle my interest….by talking about the real problems and not the red herrings.
Given the history of presidential politics, I won't hold my breath.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Easter 2008
He is risen, he is risen
Tell it out with joyful voice
He has burst his three days’ prison
Let the whole wide earth rejoice
Death is conquered,
We are free,
Christ has won the victory.
Today, my heart sings a new song of “Yay!!!!!!!!!”
I am so happy it’s Easter! I’m so happy to have the music! I am joyous at hearing the bells again! I am so happy to have participated in baptisms! It is exciting to know that I do not have to live in shame, fear, and I can be free! And alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
And on this day, I remember my father, who I know is with all the saints rejoicing in this special celebratory day.
And I want to give a shout out to my Pagan friends who are also celebrating Ostara this weekend, the return of the Sun to give us light for longer days. Although our paths diverge, and split and take us in different ways…I say, “Blessed Be” for growing light in the world.
Today does feel like a renewal for me. It feels like…well….more like a Christmas or a New Year’s or something like that. It feels like my soul has lots of light and air. I can live and be in the world in a way that is more alive than before.
I go back to the title of this blog: Wake up and Live. My favorite lyrics from that song:
Wake up and live
Show the stuff yer made of!
Just follow through;
What are you afraid of?
You’ll try it won’t ya?
Why don’t you wake up and live!
And while I praise God from whom all blessings flow, I encourage anyone reading this to remember that it does not matter to me how anyone of us arrives at the destination of the ultimate peace, love and happiness party. The most important thing is the discovery that there are paths out of the darkness and for you to take the steps into the light and laugh out loud as you do!
Ziggy Marley has a song, “Love is My Religion”. What a great title! And the sentiments of the song ring true: "I don't condemn, I don't convert. This is the calling: have you heard? Bring all the lovers to the fold. No one is gonna lose their soul." Indeed! Heed the call.
Love is my religion!
And my heart beats out, "Yay!!!"
Tell it out with joyful voice
He has burst his three days’ prison
Let the whole wide earth rejoice
Death is conquered,
We are free,
Christ has won the victory.
Today, my heart sings a new song of “Yay!!!!!!!!!”
I am so happy it’s Easter! I’m so happy to have the music! I am joyous at hearing the bells again! I am so happy to have participated in baptisms! It is exciting to know that I do not have to live in shame, fear, and I can be free! And alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
And on this day, I remember my father, who I know is with all the saints rejoicing in this special celebratory day.
And I want to give a shout out to my Pagan friends who are also celebrating Ostara this weekend, the return of the Sun to give us light for longer days. Although our paths diverge, and split and take us in different ways…I say, “Blessed Be” for growing light in the world.
Today does feel like a renewal for me. It feels like…well….more like a Christmas or a New Year’s or something like that. It feels like my soul has lots of light and air. I can live and be in the world in a way that is more alive than before.
I go back to the title of this blog: Wake up and Live. My favorite lyrics from that song:
Wake up and live
Show the stuff yer made of!
Just follow through;
What are you afraid of?
You’ll try it won’t ya?
Why don’t you wake up and live!
And while I praise God from whom all blessings flow, I encourage anyone reading this to remember that it does not matter to me how anyone of us arrives at the destination of the ultimate peace, love and happiness party. The most important thing is the discovery that there are paths out of the darkness and for you to take the steps into the light and laugh out loud as you do!
Ziggy Marley has a song, “Love is My Religion”. What a great title! And the sentiments of the song ring true: "I don't condemn, I don't convert. This is the calling: have you heard? Bring all the lovers to the fold. No one is gonna lose their soul." Indeed! Heed the call.
Love is my religion!
And my heart beats out, "Yay!!!"
Friday, March 21, 2008
Reflections on Redemption
Today is Good Friday, and it is one of the most sobering days in the year for anyone who is paying attention in Christendom. It marks the day in which we, as a people, heaped all of our anger and suspicion and jealousy and cowardice on one man and nailed him to a cross to die as a common criminal. The crime? He dared to show us a new way of being. He dared to show us a path out of darkness and into light. He dared to love.
And for that, we killed him.
I am tired of those who always want to say, “The Jews killed Jesus.” Yo, Christians: we were the Jews!! This finger-wagging at “the other” removes the true nature of our own culpability in the build-up of such hatred. And we continue to do it today when we fail to do the right thing in the face of prejudice and discrimination. It’s like Pilate washing his hands and saying, “Oh, well, y’all want to put him to death. Not my decision.” Accept it, folks: we turned our backs on God…and we still do.
And yet, even in our most violent aggression against God (since, as Christians, we have to recognize that our belief calls for us to accept that Jesus is God in our human form), there’s a second chance.
Through his death on the cross, God gives a release from this pressure cooker of pain and anger and angst that we’ve put him in. Not only does he give up his own body for the cause of redemption, he says, “It is finished”. The “it” for me, the non-theologically-educated-lay-lesbian-in-the-pew, is the act of washing us clean of our rage and granting us…all of us of every political, social, sexual stripe…the open invitation to eternal life here on earth. His job of bringing us closer to the Kingdom is finished. And ours now begins….if….if…if….we are willing to accept it. We are redeemed. Just say, Yes.
OK…now, for anyone reading who thinks the story of Christ is a bunch of bull…I’ve said before that my belief system is Christ-centered, but I am ever mindful that there is no one and only way to a relationship with the Higher Conscience.
For those of us who came to find faith and meaning in this world through Jesus, remember that when he says “I am the Way”, he is not saying “Me! Me! Me!”; he is saying, “My way of being (which begins with “Hear O Israel, the Lord is our God. The Lord is One” and then is followed with love your neighbor) is the way of God”. Let’s practice that way. Let’s not condemn people to hell for not thinking like we do. Let’s not marginalize people for being different from us. Let’s stop the madness of state legislation banning the wearing of baggy pants.
As the Buddhists say, “Be the light you wish to see in the world!”
Do we dare?
And for that, we killed him.
I am tired of those who always want to say, “The Jews killed Jesus.” Yo, Christians: we were the Jews!! This finger-wagging at “the other” removes the true nature of our own culpability in the build-up of such hatred. And we continue to do it today when we fail to do the right thing in the face of prejudice and discrimination. It’s like Pilate washing his hands and saying, “Oh, well, y’all want to put him to death. Not my decision.” Accept it, folks: we turned our backs on God…and we still do.
And yet, even in our most violent aggression against God (since, as Christians, we have to recognize that our belief calls for us to accept that Jesus is God in our human form), there’s a second chance.
Through his death on the cross, God gives a release from this pressure cooker of pain and anger and angst that we’ve put him in. Not only does he give up his own body for the cause of redemption, he says, “It is finished”. The “it” for me, the non-theologically-educated-lay-lesbian-in-the-pew, is the act of washing us clean of our rage and granting us…all of us of every political, social, sexual stripe…the open invitation to eternal life here on earth. His job of bringing us closer to the Kingdom is finished. And ours now begins….if….if…if….we are willing to accept it. We are redeemed. Just say, Yes.
OK…now, for anyone reading who thinks the story of Christ is a bunch of bull…I’ve said before that my belief system is Christ-centered, but I am ever mindful that there is no one and only way to a relationship with the Higher Conscience.
For those of us who came to find faith and meaning in this world through Jesus, remember that when he says “I am the Way”, he is not saying “Me! Me! Me!”; he is saying, “My way of being (which begins with “Hear O Israel, the Lord is our God. The Lord is One” and then is followed with love your neighbor) is the way of God”. Let’s practice that way. Let’s not condemn people to hell for not thinking like we do. Let’s not marginalize people for being different from us. Let’s stop the madness of state legislation banning the wearing of baggy pants.
As the Buddhists say, “Be the light you wish to see in the world!”
Do we dare?
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Lent at the Last Minute
OK, so Episcopalians (and of course other Christians) are supposed to give up something for Lent, right? And usually you hear that people are giving up chocolate, or beer, or coffee or whatever other “vice” they may think will satisfy the requirement.
For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out a “thing”, a tangible, tasty, “thing” that I could give up. Or at least, give it up and really “miss” it. Coffee, sadly, might have been the closest…but I somehow doubt that it would have done much to make me contemplate and meditate on God not to have my cup o’ joe. Instead, I’d have probably cheated and found some other way to get caffeine. But I became aware, as Lent approached, that my body was going into a state of panic. My heart would beat faster, and my palms would get clammy as I approached the doors of St. John’s in the days that led up to Ash Wednesday. I didn’t understand it. I wasn’t going to run away, but—damn—what’s this dread? Even going to the altar for communion, I had butterflies in my stomach, and I found myself repeating words I remembered from my youth:
“Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew a right spirit within me.”
Then, on Ash Wednesday, Mtr. Lee Shafer brought into her sermon the words of a former Presiding Bishop which outlined some Rules for Lent. The last one nailed me as it were:
“Fast on Fear, Feast on Faith”.
My eyes widened. My heart stopped racing. If I didn’t make the actual sound, I know my body said, “Oh, wow! That’s it!” Fear cripples me. It silences my truth and it keeps my brain in a feedback loop that tells me I don’t matter, I’m not worthy. And, putting it bluntly, it is what keeps me apart from the light that shines as bright as an Eastern Star.
So, my task this Lent has been to fast on fear and feast on faith.
How have I done? Well, it ain’t been easy! And I don’t know that I have been a “good little Episcopalian” and stayed away from fear. Because to live without it….and put the emphasis on faith….geez, maybe I should’ve tried to give up coffee.
At the same time, I haven’t been a total failure. It’s hard for me these days not to focus on faith when I can’t seem to go a day without some fleeting thought about God, God’s will, or some hymn goes through my head to remind me of the presence of God in my life. Even some of the secular songs I’ve been listening to have “God messages” in them.
I think events in the past few weeks have really helped to push me more on this path of fasting on fear. Shifts at St. John’s, followed by an intense and wonderful experience with my classmates in Gainesville, and the events that unfolded out of the House of Bishops meeting…all of those occurrences coming in the last few weeks have talked to fears I have of change, of acceptance, of love. And I have felt fear intensely, which (at least in the two cases of the church) also evolved into anger. But, with each episode, I have discovered faith: I have continued to show up and pay attention at church because I need to do that. I have found a way to move past that concern that if I “speak my truth” I will get my head handed to me on a platter. And I can trust that I am supported for who I am, was and will be into the future. So some very basic fears are shrinking. And as they shrink, there is even more room for faith, especially faith in me as supported and backed by a God who promises not to let me drift over a waterfall.
This is the last week of Lent, Holy Week. I’ve got some more time to get the fasting/feasting part right. I think I’m on the way, but it sure hasn’t been easy!
But that’s Lent for ya!
For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out a “thing”, a tangible, tasty, “thing” that I could give up. Or at least, give it up and really “miss” it. Coffee, sadly, might have been the closest…but I somehow doubt that it would have done much to make me contemplate and meditate on God not to have my cup o’ joe. Instead, I’d have probably cheated and found some other way to get caffeine. But I became aware, as Lent approached, that my body was going into a state of panic. My heart would beat faster, and my palms would get clammy as I approached the doors of St. John’s in the days that led up to Ash Wednesday. I didn’t understand it. I wasn’t going to run away, but—damn—what’s this dread? Even going to the altar for communion, I had butterflies in my stomach, and I found myself repeating words I remembered from my youth:
“Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew a right spirit within me.”
Then, on Ash Wednesday, Mtr. Lee Shafer brought into her sermon the words of a former Presiding Bishop which outlined some Rules for Lent. The last one nailed me as it were:
“Fast on Fear, Feast on Faith”.
My eyes widened. My heart stopped racing. If I didn’t make the actual sound, I know my body said, “Oh, wow! That’s it!” Fear cripples me. It silences my truth and it keeps my brain in a feedback loop that tells me I don’t matter, I’m not worthy. And, putting it bluntly, it is what keeps me apart from the light that shines as bright as an Eastern Star.
So, my task this Lent has been to fast on fear and feast on faith.
How have I done? Well, it ain’t been easy! And I don’t know that I have been a “good little Episcopalian” and stayed away from fear. Because to live without it….and put the emphasis on faith….geez, maybe I should’ve tried to give up coffee.
At the same time, I haven’t been a total failure. It’s hard for me these days not to focus on faith when I can’t seem to go a day without some fleeting thought about God, God’s will, or some hymn goes through my head to remind me of the presence of God in my life. Even some of the secular songs I’ve been listening to have “God messages” in them.
I think events in the past few weeks have really helped to push me more on this path of fasting on fear. Shifts at St. John’s, followed by an intense and wonderful experience with my classmates in Gainesville, and the events that unfolded out of the House of Bishops meeting…all of those occurrences coming in the last few weeks have talked to fears I have of change, of acceptance, of love. And I have felt fear intensely, which (at least in the two cases of the church) also evolved into anger. But, with each episode, I have discovered faith: I have continued to show up and pay attention at church because I need to do that. I have found a way to move past that concern that if I “speak my truth” I will get my head handed to me on a platter. And I can trust that I am supported for who I am, was and will be into the future. So some very basic fears are shrinking. And as they shrink, there is even more room for faith, especially faith in me as supported and backed by a God who promises not to let me drift over a waterfall.
This is the last week of Lent, Holy Week. I’ve got some more time to get the fasting/feasting part right. I think I’m on the way, but it sure hasn’t been easy!
But that’s Lent for ya!
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