Good (Grief!) Friday

Simon Peter said to him, ‘Lord, where are you going?’ Jesus answered, ‘Where I am going, you cannot follow me now; but you will follow afterwards.’ Peter said to him, ‘Lord, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.’ Jesus answered, ‘Will you lay down your life for me? Very truly, I tell you, before the cock crows, you will have denied me three times.--John 13: 36-38

Hearing this story now, 2000 years later, we all know what Jesus meant and we all know that eager Peter meant well, but could not take that extra step of denying his own life to be with his friend for a miserable, bloody ending. We call this day "Good Friday". It hardly feels "good" when we contemplate the events of the day that took place way back when in Jerusalem. It can hardly feel "good" for anyone who has been feeling the weight of the world this week. Truly, it feels as if we ought to call this "Grief Friday". Or "Good Grief! Friday".

The "Good" part, though, is not the act of brutally killing Christ on the cross. The "Good" is in the meaning of that act. Jesus didn't subject himself to this death for his own sake. Like that of the footwashing, this is the biggest example of "not for self, but for others" servitude. Jesus, following the will of God (a will he is intimately familiar with) is making this sacrifice of his human body as a means of, once and for all, taking away the sins of the world. He takes them away by taking them into his skin, into his heart, into his mind, into his entire being and allowing them to die with him. And from out of that death comes the salvation which he promised to all of us... even those who hadn't come within his reach during his ministry.

But back to Peter. He wants to know "Where are you going?" and Jesus tells him "You cannot follow me now, but you will afterwards." Peter insists that he'll lay down his life. But Jesus already knows THAT isn't true. What is true is that Peter will deny him three times.

This moment gives me pause. Day after day... and week after week... we pledge to give up our selves to follow God in righteousness and holiness. But to really do that means to be willing to go this way, the way of living for God, and not for our selves. Do we really do that? How many times do we say we will, but then we deny God? And I'm not talking about in the way Peter did it. That's different. I'm talking about the way we put objects of our desire first in our lives. The way we allow fear to govern our actions towards others.

As lesbian, as one who has taken on roles of leadership in my community that I wasn't really prepared to get into, I know I have felt that loneliness of living in "the crucified place". But I'm also painfully aware of my Peter tendancies. Probably more so on a day like today than most others. And so I look to God and say, "I'm sorry."