There is no amount of money that I would accept to undo the journey I have been on since November, 2007.
It is a journey that has taken me out of my certainity of my future and turned it into a day-to-day experience of "Where is this all headed?" Just like when I was in prep school and was certain that I would be a journalist forever, a funny thing happened on the way to winning another Sigma Delta Chi award.
I had an awakening. And I realized that being the observer was killing me. And my desire to reach people was thwarted by a structure that would not allow itself to be changed, certainly not by a public radio reporter.
Having had another awakening, or re-membering in the body of Christ, has so completely changed the way I view the world. And just how much that has happened became apparent to me in these days of our new "season" in the Episcopal Church. Much as it may seem like winter in Florida still, those of us who were watching and following the events in Anaheim know that we are in a thaw. And as I contemplate how to reach out to our Bishop, I find that the more prudent step is to stay still... and pay attention to the wisdom offered in the Daily Office. Yesterday, it was Psalm 119.
You have dealt well with your servant, O Lord,
according to your word.
Teach me good judgement and knowledge,
for I believe in your commandments.
Before I was humbled I went astray,
but now I keep your word.
You are good and do good;
teach me your statutes.
The arrogant smear me with lies,
but with my whole heart I keep your precepts.
Their hearts are fat and gross,
but I delight in your law.
It is good for me that I was humbled,
so that I might learn your statutes.
The law of your mouth is better to me
than thousands of gold and silver pieces.
Ps. 119: 65-72
God has dealt with me. When I was happy to keep going along, separated and apart from any community of Christians, God laid down the command to me to "Show up!" and then "Pay Attention!" I had gone astray, but now I've been humbled. Boy, have I ever! I have wondered why they don't install a Kleenex box in the pews for the likes of me as I sit hearing these words of love and welcome from God... even for me. And I have asked:
"Teach me good judgement and knowledge, for I believe in your commandments." In order for me to be in relationship with those who I don't agree with, I must seek out God's wisdom first to know how to see them, so that I might listen to them. "Fat and gross" hearts sounds awful, almost like a heart attack about to happen. Or, as I see this verse, the ones who smear me with lies are taking confidence in their own self-satisfied righteousness... focusing on themselves and not on God, as they view me from their perch of judgement.
But I have been knocked off that perch and will continue to be in this place as I seek out God's wisdom, God's statutes. And it is from this place that I am able to feel unburdened by the fatness and grossness of those smearing me with lies. God sees me for who I am, and sees the fat and gross-hearted for who they are. I put my trust in God to see and judge us rightly.