Here Am I; Send Me

"Isaiah's Lips Anointed with Fire" by Benjamin West

Tomorrow's readings set for the Episcopal Church seem to have a basic theme, set in the First Reading from Isaiah Chapter 6. The prophet sees the Lord sitting on the throne, and the Seraphs are calling out praises to God... and Isaiah responds:
"Woe is me! I am lost, for I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips; yet my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!" Then one of the seraphs flew to me, holding a live coal that had been taken from the altar with a pair of tongs. The seraph touched my mouth with it and said: "Now that this has touched your lips, your guilt has departed and your sin is blotted out." Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I; send me!"

Ahh... that's the spirit (even if the going forth and speaking to the nation is not easy). This lesson is getting paired with the portion of Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians in which he recounts how the risen Christ appeared to the apostles... and finally to Paul, "the least of the apostles, unfit to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me has not been in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them--though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me."

And finally, we get to the Gospel with the story of Jesus taking the boat out into the middle of the water to teach the crowds from there. He orders Simon to cast a net off the side. Simon protests, but Jesus insists, so he does it and--et voila--look at all that fish!

But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees, saying, "Go away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!" For he and all who were with him were amazed at the catch of fish that they had taken; and so also were James and John, sons of Zeb'edee, who were partners with Simon. Then Jesus said to Simon, "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching people."

I'm struck in all of this-- Isaiah, Paul, and Simon Peter-- the progression goes from "I'm not worthy" to "Oh, yeah, you are! Get out there!" Sometimes, that's how it feels. Certainly, I've given a laundry list of reasons why I'm not the person to do (fill-in-the-blank), and then I inevitably find myself falling into place and doing whatever was the fill-in-the-blank.

Where this is becoming more of a wrestling match, however, is in the direction of my journey with God. In this relationship, I still think I resemble Isaiah from these readings... or Simon Peter. I feel for Paul because certainly I am guilty of making blanket statements of hate toward people who profess a belief in Christ. Now, here am I, one of those folks, and I live in a world with people who make blanket statements about "how Christians are..." and I find myself saying, "SOME 'c'hirstians" (the little 'c' because I can't accept anyone who preaches hatred as a person who really understands Christ.) And with each step I am taking in this journey, I find myself falling back on the "But I'm not worthy" line... only to be met with some "thing", a sign, a hymn, a prayer, that answers, "Oh, yeah, you are! Get out there!" I whine. I cry. But I somehow am still stepping forward. Am I a fisher of people? Possibly. Am I a prophet encountering insolent people? Sure seems like it sometimes. Am I alone in this? No. Never.

And when I make the greater steps forward, like that experience of what it is to seek forgiveness and the turnaround of feeling as though I could really be forgiving, I know in my core that my journey has moved miles, rather than mere inches. So I listen, even more carefully, to what I must do next in this walk. And it does feel like a walk now. It was a boat ride, but something tells me that I have been taken out of the boat and I am walking on new ground. And I have miles to go before me. Here am I. Send me.